


the way i am

by hhaikyuuties



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, anyways enjoy a gratuitous amount of kurotsuki dialogue, i didn't expect to ship this as much as i do, i wrote this a while back but never posted it, sorry for throwing up my kurotsuki feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 15:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3902110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhaikyuuties/pseuds/hhaikyuuties
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I just wanted,” Kuroo huffed, “to see you give a shit about something.  And later,” he continued, voice softening and growing quieter, “I kind of hoped that something might be me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	the way i am

It was entirely by coincidence that Kei Tsukishima found himself standing next to Tetsurou Kuroo on the subway leaving Shinjuku station. So many people, so many bodies, so many faces in the cramped confines of the station, train after train after train coming and going, yet they found themselves taking the same subway ride that Wednesday afternoon.

“Well, it’s certainly been a while,” Kuroo commented after he found himself nearly pushed into the blond by the other passengers rushing to board. Still slightly taller than Kuroo and still wearing his glasses and signature scowl, Tsukishima displayed a look that was equal parts mild surprise and disinterest.

“Ah. The ex-Nekoma captain. I see your bedhead hasn’t changed a bit.” Indeed, Kuroo’s hair held the same appearance as high school, black and erratic and almost cocky. Tsukishima couldn’t even guess as to how he got it to stay that way.

“Neither has your facial expression. Do you know how to not frown?” Kuroo poked his own cheek lightly. The other’s grimace only deepened.

“Do I have any reason to not frown at your sudden appearance?”

“Aww, don’t be like that, Tsukki. I taught you so much back in high school, you should be a little more appreciative!”

“More like you made me practice with you and Bokuto-san for your own benefit.”

“You learned how to block from me.”

Tsukishima snorted. “Right.”

Kuroo’s tone suddenly changed. “Are you putting the skills I bestowed upon you to good use?”  
Tsukishima looked away without response.

“Ah. I see. Well, what are you doing here in Tokyo? Studying at university?”

“Yeah. Chemistry.” Tsukishima glanced back at Kuroo and then adjusted his glasses. Is he self-conscious about that? Kuroo wondered to himself, knowing the boy to be very closed-off and distant from other people.

“Impressive,” he commented, sounding slightly amazed, “is it hard?” He looked at Tsukishima with genuine interest. Tsukishima found it a little odd, and difficult to understand, why Kuroo even tried to be friendly with him when he purposely acted even more sarcastic than usual.

“Takes more effort than I’d like, but it’s interesting enough, I guess.”

“Oh-hoh. Did I detect a hint of enthusiasm from Kei Tsukishima?” Kuroo’s smile morphed into a Cheshire smirk. The taller boy just replied with a glare that didn’t make the dark-haired boy falter in the slightest. How could Kuroo consistently rattle Tsukishima and get on his nerves, yet Kuroo never seemed the least bit perturbed?

“What school?” 

The name that left Tsukishima’s lips surprised Kuroo. Because it was his university.

“What. That’s where Bokuto and I go.”

“Really.” Tsukishima sarcastically feigned interest.

“Have you never seen a volleyball match? Did you not see me on the team?”

“Classes only started a month ago. I’ve been busy.” Adjusting his glasses again, Tsukishima rolled his eyes, unable to hold Kuroo’s excited ones.

“You should come to our next game!”

“Why would I do that?”

“To support your university and your senpai for old times’ sake!” They were at a stop, but Kuroo merely yelled over those busily exiting and entering.

“…old times’ sake? How old do you think we are?” Tsukishima scoffed.

“Is that a yes?”

“Unfortunately, I have no choice as I already told Yamaguchi I would go to Saturday’s game.”

***

Their university’s uniforms were red, reminiscent of Nekoma’s, except a couple shades darker. Although Tsukishima would never admit it, the sight of Kuroo in the uniform made him a bit nostalgic for high school. The matches and the training camps with Nekoma, where Kuroo would sometimes give him an oddly piercing, knowing look as if Tsukishima was transparent. Memories of discomfort and irritation came to the forefront of his mind, occupying his attention.

 

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi waved a hand in front of his friend’s face.

“Yeah?”

“You seem kind of out of it. Thinking about our old volleyball team?”

Tsukishima shrugged.

Both teams were finishing their warm-ups. People were still filling into the gym. The room was filled with the sounds of talking and balls hitting the newly polished court. Finishing a stretch, Kuroo glanced at the bleachers, and his sight fell upon the boy he ran into on the subway earlier that week. His freckled friend sat next to him, excitedly bouncing as he pointed at their opponents. Tsukishima seemed to respond as if bored—his usual. Then his eyes met Kuroo’s for a moment; Kuroo flashed a wide grin and a wave. He only got a cold stare from Tsukishima, but Yamaguchi gave him a smile and an overexcited wave in reply. Tsukishima seemed to say something to Yamaguchi, who abruptly stopped his arm movements. Kuroo chuckled lightly to himself. 

Just from observing the team huddled together, Tsukishima could tell that the dynamic of this team was very different from Nekoma’s, or Karasuno’s, team. The members were top-notch, and star players and high school captains all eagerly listened to the words of their team’s coach and captain. He saw Bokuto, who possessed razor-sharp focus, and Kuroo, who had a look on his face that held even more intensity than it had in high school.

As the match began, Tsukishima could tell that clearly, their university had the better team of the two and that, additionally, Kuroo’s abilities had progressed even further. (Also, he could tell that Kuroo’s devilish, boyish appearance had merely matured slightly, and lost none of the appeal it held for his female fans in high school. Objectively speaking, of course.)

It had been a while since he had seen Kuroo play, and despite the obvious changes and incremental adjustments, there was an air about his technique that was seemingly unaltered—a style he could recognize even without the face and ridiculous hair to accompany it.

“…and see, I was going to tell you that Kuroo-san was on the team, especially since he taught you and everything right? It sounds like he’s doing well on the team and the other members really like him and his blocking is even better than it was in high school—”

“Yamaguchi?”

“Yeah, Tsukki?”

“Am I supposed to care?”

“Well I figured, since he helped you at training camp sometimes and stuff, that you might want to say hi to him or something.”

“Why would I want to talk with someone with a horrifying personality?”

“But I was talking with him and Bokuto-san the other day, and I think they are really great, I don’t know why you seem to dislike them so much…”

“Ah, two horrifying personalities.”

“Horrifying how?”

“They’re too energetic.”

“Maybe you could use some of their enthusiasm, Tsukki…” the other boy mumbled. The boy had grown notably more outspoken since his first year of high school. Tsukishima was proud, in a way, of his friend’s ability to express his opinions more freely now—but sometimes he would be on the receiving end of borderline sassy remarks.

***

He didn’t mean to end up on the same subway as Tsukishima, but he did. The blond boy was facing slightly away from him, his giant headphones covering his ears as expected. Kuroo lifted one side away from Tsukishima’s ear.

“Hey, Tsukki.”

“What. And who gave you permission to call me that.”

“What did you think of our game the other day? We owned the other team!”

“It’s weird seeing you and Bokuto-san on the same team.”

“We’re pretty good, eh?”

“It’s a lot of stupid hair for one side of the court.”

“Tsuuukki. Are you ever nice? Even a little? Ever?”

“Should I be?” His voice was cynically and sounded characteristically disinterested, his gaze locked on his phone as he looked through what seemed to Kuroo to be a long-ass list of songs.

“Maybe people other than overly kind souls such as myself would be willing to talk to you, if you weren’t so cold.”

“And have more people like you and Bokuto around? No thanks.”

“Harsh.” Kuroo let the headphones drop back into place and took out a textbook of some sort, a concentrated expression taking over his face.

Tsukishima glanced over. Studying? Him? Kuroo didn’t seem like the studying type, but Tsukishima supposed he had to study at some point, if he was to pass his classes and keep playing volleyball.

***

“He’s such an ass,” Tsukishima muttered. Yamaguchi shook his head.

“He can’t be. Kuroo-san stood up for Kenma-san like you stood up for me.”

“I didn’t—”

“Yeah, Tsukki, you did.”

“Whatever.” The tall boy looked to the side, and Yamaguchi knew he was a little embarrassed but refused to show it.

“Anyway, my point is that you guys may have more in common than you think.”

“Hah. Right.” Tsukishima was back to looking at Yamaguchi, this time with an overtly sarcastic face.

***

It was the lingering look he received from Kuroo the next day that really got to him. Tsukishima had agreed, very reluctantly and only with extreme pestering from Yamaguchi, to practice with Kuroo, Bokuto, Yamaguchi, and a few others just for the hell of it. As expected, Kuroo gave Tsukishima advice—Tsukishima didn’t even play anymore though, so why Kuroo even tried was beyond him—which obviously would entail some observation. But when Tsukishima had finished a block and Kuroo’s gaze still clung to him, he knew something was off. And when their eyes met, the look was extinguished immediately, only made more suspicious when Kuroo quickly turned away. Kuroo’s eyes had caused something funny to happen to Tsukishima’s innards, immersed in a sense of weird uncertainty.

Kenma sure as hell noticed, observant as ever despite his video game, and made this evident by shooting a knowing glance in Tsukishima’s direction. 

Somehow, Tsukishima felt Kenma understood more than him, but he couldn’t exactly ask. Hey, Kenma, would you mind telling me why your best friend just looked at me with lust? Yeah, not awkward. At all. 

***

Tsukishima pushed open the lab door and, still clad in his white lab coat, headed for his locker. His mind was occupied with the lab report he had to finish for the next day. Which explains why he completely missed Kuroo standing in the hallway, despite his strong presence.

“Yo, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima, in the midst of opening his lock, spun around. And then, as usual, grimaced lightly.

“Were you ignoring me, or is your mind too full of all those molecule things?” Tsukishima rolled his eyes.

“I’m not sure there are any of those molecule things in your head.”

“Insulting me again? Rubbing in your superior intellect? Would you like to bury me some more?”

“…are you here for a reason, or do you just have nothing better to do?”

Kuroo leaned closer, throwing an arm against the cold metal of the locker and leaving it to rest there. 

“Do I need a reason?” He half-said, half-murmured in Tsukishima’s ear, which was quickly turning a few shades redder.

“Do you ever have one?” Tsukishima was looking at some random spot on the floor, not making eye contact. Surprisingly nervous, Kuroo thought to himself, smiling mentally. He couldn’t help but think how fitting the blond looked in his lab coat, his attire and glasses and aura creating an image of calculated intelligence. Although it seemed that, at the moment, Tsukishima would have difficulty calculating anything.

“Actually, believe it or not, yes.” Kuroo was still looking at Tsukishima’s face, waiting for Tsukishima to look up. 

Their eyes met briefly, and Kuroo went for it.  
Lips softly touched lips, and Tsukishima stuttered slightly in surprise. Kuroo just smiled through it.   
He pulled back slightly and, seeing no anger in Tsukishima’s dazed eyes, chanced a second kiss.

Tsukishima pushed him away with balled-up hands.  
Kuroo’s smirk was wiped clean off his face.

“Sorry. I, um,” he cleared his throat. “…sorry.” He shuffled back a few steps, looking off to the side.

“Really. Just try to forget this,” he mumbled in a self-conscious manner that Tsukishima had never experienced before from the older boy.

And then Kuroo quickly walked off, not even chancing a glance backwards.

Kuroo’s expression as he left made Tsukishima’s stomach drop to his feet, completely replacing his previous embarrassment. As much as he should have expected Kuroo’s actions, he was unprepared. At times he could be said to have invited such an encounter—but how could he possibly prepare himself to lower his defenses in front of the proud, upbeat man who for unfathomable reasons took an interest in him? Tsukishima was realizing that, even more impossible was to have anticipated how he managed to nearly instantaneously extinguish Kuroo’s self-confident air.

It would come back to haunt him that night. His dreams were full of Kuroo’s face, the fleeting sensation of the other boy’s lips upon his own, the feeling of something trying to click into place and Tsukishima throwing a rock in to stop it, for better or worse. He was scared of the outcome. He knew it. But to admit to it was another animal entirely, and so very against his being. 

But as he recalled the growing tension leading up to the kiss, how he felt Kuroo’s inevitable movement in his bones, he couldn’t help but have a strange sort of craving for the other’s laugh, his upturned lips, the warmth of his skin and the teasing murmurs that seemed to worm their way through gaps Tsukishima didn’t know were there.

***

“I swear to god, Kenma.”

“I just get the feeling it’s mutual.”

“He pushed me away!” Kuroo threw his arms up in defeat before covering his face with his calloused hands.

“He’s not good with people.”

Kuroo snorted. That was rich, coming from a boy who played hand-held video games all day.

“You laugh at me, but don’t you think I’d be the best judge?”

“Perhaps. I still think he hates me. I ruined it. Everything’s going to be awkward and he’s never going to talk to me again and help,” Kuroo ranted, his voice half genuinely depressed and half whiny.

***

“Kuroo.”

Kuroo glanced up from his book and did a double-take when he saw Tsukki standing on the other side of the table.

“Oh, hey…Tsukki,” he replied, his voice lacking some of the usual confidence and his smile obviously forced.

“…Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” Kuroo’s eyebrows pinched together slightly in his confusion. He sat up straighter and waited for an answer.

“Acting like a kicked puppy.”

“Cat,” Kuroo corrected, a small smirk appearing as if to demonstrate the cat-like qualities that stayed with him even after his Nekoma days.

“Fine.” Tsukishima didn’t seem particularly amused.

Kuroo sighed. “I know. Sorry. I’m trying. I’m just more emotional than you. I’m not very collected. And my feelings show.” He grew quieter on the last part, the smallest bit of accusation infused into the statement.

A vein pulsed almost noticeably in Tsukishima’s forehead. “You think I’m unemotional? That I don’t have feelings?”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Kuroo said measuredly, not comprehending Tsukishima’s sudden anger.

“Yes, it is.”

“No,” Kuroo took a deep breath, “it isn’t.”

“Sure as hell sounded like it.”

“I warned you, Tsukki, I’m a mess.”

“You look like one too.” 

Now it was Kuroo’s turn to be angry.

“The hell? Why’d you even come here? Are you trying to smear my feelings all over the place? Because it’s working.”

“Your feelings? Who started this weird friendship in the first place? Why is it my fault?”

“I just wanted,” Kuroo huffed, “to see you give a shit about something. And later,” he continued, voice softening and growing quieter, “I kind of hoped that something might be me.” 

And with that, Kuroo swiftly exited the room, books gathered in his arms, not even taking the time to stuff them in his bag.

***

The next day, Tsukishima approached Kuroo at the same place, a negative aura of déjà vu threatening to hold him back. Tsukishima wordlessly pulled out the chair across from the dark haired boy, eyes uncertain. In response, Kuroo closed his book, threw it in his backpack, and started to leave.

“Wait.” A single word slipped past Tsukishima’s lips, surprising the both of them. It wasn’t a word either of them would have expected him to say.

Not surprising enough to distract Kuroo from the current situation, though.

“Enough, Tsukki.” He didn’t even turn around. 

“No.” 

Now Kuroo spun around, anger flashing through him momentarily before seeing Tsukishima’s face. Looking straight at Kuroo, his eyes held uncertainty, and something was showing through his disinterested façade. Kuroo remained silent, waiting for Tsukishima to speak.

“…Why did you even care whether I cared about anything?”

Kuroo sighed. “I don’t know. I just did. That’s kind of just the way I am.”

Tsukishima didn’t respond. When Kuroo made to leave again, though, Tsukishima grabbed the back of his shirt. And Tsukishima had never seen that exact combination of surprise and conflict touch a person’s face before. “…Tsukki?”

“You know,” Tsukishima looked down, “saying you wanted me to care about something? That’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. I just thought you should know that.”

Kuroo let out a quick, bitter laugh. “Well, now I know.”

This would’ve made Tsukishima angry if he wasn’t already so frustrated with himself.

“But do you know why I can’t accept it?”

Kuroo sighed. “Because you think I’m an ass? Because I’m a boy? Because you don’t think I’m your type? Hell if I know, there are a lot of reasons.”

“Because I don’t like myself. So how can you? How can people like you and Yamaguchi and Bokuto put up with me? How can you feel anything so strongly towards me that isn’t dislike?”  
Kuroo could feel Tsukishima’s hand shaking as it continued to grasp his shirt.

“You don’t think I should like you?” Kuroo’s voice was incredulous. Kuroo turned back towards the blond, encircling the younger boy’s wrist with his own fingers, causing him to relinquish his hold on the piece of fabric. But he let his hand linger there, thumb rubbing smooth circles over the skin and bone of his wrist. Tsukishima was still staring at the floor.

“Do you want me to write out a long list of reasons I like you? Because believe me, Tsukki, I can do that.”

Tsukishima’s head shot up. “What the hell. No. Why are you so cheesy.”

“It’s called being romantic.”

“It’s called being creepy and sappy and thinking you came out of a romance movie.”

“I try.” 

Tsukishima’s emerging smile abruptly faded as he recalled his actual situation.

“…But I don’t.”

“That’s a lie.”

“How would you know whether it’s the truth or not?”

“Because you told me all this. You came and found me even though it must have been awkward as hell for you. And just so you could explain to me that it wasn’t me.”

 

“Honestly, at first,” Tsukishima began, gaze shifting, “I thought maybe you just wanted to sleep with me or something. I don’t know. But then you went and said all the stuff about me caring and I realized that I was probably being a presumptuous asshole again. You don’t want that.”

“Sleep with you? You think I went through all this effort for that?” Kuroo laughed.

“Well excuse me.”

“If you think that that was my best attempt at seduction, boy are you wrong.”

“Like you could seduce anyone,” Tsukishima snickered.

“Do you want me to try?” Kuroo’s genuine grin was back on his face, something like hope creating a sort of light in his eyes.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” That wasn’t a no, Tsukishima realized. This wasn’t lost on Kuroo either—a bit uncertainly, he rested a hand on Tsukishima’s hip. And then, with complete certainty, he pulled at the boy’s wrist, colliding their two bodies. And this time, it was Tsukishima who initiated the kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! please find me on tumblr (hhaikyuuties) and talk to me about kurotsuki and iwaoi and all other things beautiful


End file.
